My wife is a witch. She won’t even get rid of the spiders that inhabit our house. I even got little black salamanders living in the rocky basement. I live in a house that has its own god damned ecosystem. I love it. A fox is running down the streets and my dogs are losing their minds barking and whining.
There once was a comedian named Will Rogers who said that the only thing he knows is what he reads in the newspapers. Just like I believe everything I see on YouTube. I remember a comic book from when I was a kid called, Wendy The Good Witch. There was even a popular song called Wendy. I grew up totally in love Samantha on Bewitched. When I found out that the whole planet was a chick, I thought, what could go wrong? Jeeze! Was I wrong.
I don’t exactly remember when, but it wasn’t so long ago that I learned about spirit cooking, and I saw a picture of Lady GaGa eating some kind of weird shit made from bodily fluids over a ‘corpse’. Doing this is supposed to fill you with vim and vigor I was told. This was when I remembered my wife tried to make me watch American Horror Story, starring Lady GaGa. It was the stupidest thing I ever saw. I guess black magic makes some people pretty nearly as horny as Joe Biden. Anyhow this Marina Abramovic, the spirit cook, is like 70 years old and doesn’t look a day over 40, so she’s living proof there’s supposed to be something to this Satanic elixir of youth. Now Lady GaGa’s a young beautiful woman and I guess she wants to stay that way. But if slurping blood and cum is the way to do that, then you can count me out. Whatever, to each their own I thought.
But then I started thinking about the fake child sacrifices and I thought, wouldn’t some people do that sort of thing for real, if that’s what they believed? Some questions just answer themselves I guess.
Then I see Lady GaGa, perversely dressed in a Michael Jackson jacket, looking better and more ghoulish than ever telling us The Wicked Witch of Washington was going to be the first woman president of the United States. Well, if I had any urine in my bladder, I would have lost it right there. I’ve seen a lot of creepy horror stories in my time, but this one takes the cake. I’m glad I married a good witch. We ain’t old, we’re ripe.
The Full Speech
The View From Trumplandia
The Pizza Nazis